


An Affair to Remember

by Beefmaster



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Marriage, brief mentions of sex but not enough to justify a mature rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 12:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13481796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beefmaster/pseuds/Beefmaster
Summary: Dinesh and Gilfoyle spread a rumor about Jared and Richard.  It gets out of hand.





	An Affair to Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this Tumblr post: http://ladiesloveduranduran.tumblr.com/post/169936355180/lawlu-minssery-ask-bot-whats-the-most
> 
> This fic is dedicated to everyone in the SV Discord server, who helped develop and encourage this story. It is also dedicated to my coworker Judy, who is the only good thing about my job (besides making money).

When Richard and Jared finally started dating, they made a concerted effort not to be too obvious about it.  

 

“It’s not that I’m ashamed of you,” Jared had explained.  “It’s just that, we finally have real offices, and real employees, and I don’t want to start this new chapter of Pied Piper with inappropriate workplace conduct-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Richard said impatiently.  “Now can we get back to-”

 

“Oh! Yes, of course!” Jared said, and placed Richard’s left testicle back in his mouth.

 

And so their relationship remained fairly discreet.  Dinesh and Gilfoyle knew, of course (“wait, you just started dating?” “Yeah, we assumed you two had been fucking in secret for like, at least a year.”), but everyone else at Pied Piper was in the dark.  And it wasn’t exactly hard to keep it professional: when your company is always two minutes from total collapse, it’s hard to find time for long, romantic lunch breaks or hanky panky in the office.  (Well, except once, when Jared and Richard were both working late, and, like, nobody else was _there_ , and Richard’s new desk was just so _big_ , and Jared was wearing that one pair of pants, and I mean, can you really blame them?)  It wasn’t exactly a _secret_ , but when one person in a couple would never speak about his personal life in the office for fear of creating an unsafe work environment, and when the other person in the couple would never speak about his personal life in the office for fear of putting his foot in his mouth, things tend to stay hush-hush.

 

When Jared proposed to Richard, on one knee at a winery in Napa Valley over Memorial Day weekend, it was definitely too soon, they had only been dating for five months, but they had been in love with each other for so much longer that it just felt right.  And, well, they were already at a winery in Napa Valley, which is like, the most desirable wedding location in the _world,_ so it also just felt right the next evening when they begged the minister from someone else’s wedding to marry them as well.  And after they Skyped Richard’s parents, Jared’s friend Gloria, and Dinesh and Gilfoyle (who were living together even though they could both easily afford their own place at this point, but whatever, we all have to figure these things out in our own time) to tell them the goods news, Richard and Jared fell into bed to make love for the first time in their married life.  

 

Being married doesn’t change their professional lives too much.  They don’t have time for a honeymoon (“We’ll go on one later, once things at work have calmed down.” “Jared, things at work will _never_ calm down.”), so they go back to work right after the long weekend.  The only real change comes when Susie from Accounts Receivable hands Jared some papers to sign, and notices the shiny silver ring on his finger (he and Richard picked them up on the drive home).

 

“You’re married?”  she asks.  “How did I not know that?”

 

“Oh, well, we actually got married this weekend.”  Jared smiles as he twists his wedding ring.  “We also got engaged this weekend.  It was very fast.”

 

“Oh wow!” Susie exclaims.  “Congratulations.  It must be true love.”  

 

“It is.  He’s my soulmate.”

 

A few days later, Richard was hunched over his computer, furiously trying to beat another impossible deadline.  He hears a knock on his office door.  “Come in,” he calls, not looking up from his computer.

 

Antonio, one of Pied Piper’s new coders, opens the door.  “Hey man, looks like it’s going to be a long night.  I’m going to In ‘N Out to get dinner for the team.  Can I put it on the corporate credit card?”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Richard fishes the card out of his desk drawer and hands it to Antonio without ever looking up.

 

“Cool man.  You want anything?”

 

“Nah, my husband’s bringing me dinner later.”

 

“Oh, sweet.  Well, see you soon.”

 

Later, when Jared drops off a chicken caesar salad for Richard (“sweetheart, you really need to eat more vegetables”), Antonio is still at In ‘N Out, and none of the other coders think twice.

 

Ok, so it would be inaccurate to say being married hasn’t changed their work lives at all.  Sometimes they hold hands in the parking lot on the way to work.  Richard gives Jared a foot massage in the conference room while he explains a particularly difficult document to Richard.  Jared calls Richard “darling” and “baby” in a few work emails.

 

One day, they’re both hanging out next to the Keurig, giggling about something or other.  Jared places his hand on Richard’s arm, which fills Richard with a dizzying warmth, and even though he knows he shouldn’t, he leans forward slightly, lips parted, to-

 

“Excuse me.”

 

Richard and Jared break apart, and turn to see Chelsea, one of Pied Piper’s new salespeople, standing there with a coffee mug.

 

“I just need to get to the coffee machine.”

“Yes, of course!” Jared says, straightening his already wrinkle-free shirt.  He grabs his mug.  “We were, ah, just leaving.”  He quickly walks off to his office as if nothing had happened.

 

“Yeah, uh, I just, um, I also am leave- I’m gone,” Richard mumbles, walking off in the opposite direction.  

 

Chelsea rolls her eyes and moves up to the Keurig.

 

“Sorry, my office is that way,” Richard says, crossing back.

  


“Psst, Greg.”  Chelsea leans on the edge of Greg’s desk, stretching out her legs.  

 

“What?” Greg asks, removing his headphones.  

 

“I just saw Richard and Jared by the coffee machine, and they were definitely flirting.”

 

Gilfoyle and Dinesh, whose desks are about 5 feet away and who weren’t particularly working very hard anyway, perk up when they hear that.

 

“Do you think there’s something going on between them?”  Chelsea continues.

 

“No way,” Greg says, turning to face Chelsea.  “Jared’s married.  Susie told me.”

 

“Really?  Are you sure?”

 

Dinesh and Gilfoyle look at each other and have the exact same thought at the exact same time.

 

“Yeah, Jared’s married,” Dinesh says casually. “So is Richard.”

 

“Oh, so I guess they weren’t flirting.”  Chelsea looks disappointed.  “False alarm, I guess.”

 

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Gilfoyle says, sliding his chair toward them.  “There’s always been something between those too.  I think they’re hooking up.”

 

“No way,” Greg says.  “You’re lying.”

 

“Nothing we have said has been a lie,” Gilfoyle says, maintaining an alarming level of eye contact.  

 

“Well, maybe they both have, like, open relationships,” Chelsea hedges.

 

“I’m pretty sure they don’t,” Dinesh says, turning back to his desk. “But hey, what do I know?  I’ve only been friends with Richard for 6 years.”

  


That night, Dinesh and Gilfoyle stay up all night coming up with a plan to convince the entire office that Jared and Richard are having an affair with each other.  It doesn’t actually take them all night to come up with the plan, but they take copious breaks to play video games, make popcorn, and bicker.  The plan they eventually decide on is simple: they need to corner as many people as possible and plant the seeds for this rumor.  So that’s what they do.

 

“Wow, Richard and Jared sure do work hard,” Dinesh says casually to Antonio as he attempts to figure out the copier. “I think they’ve stayed late every night this week working together.”

 

“Yeah, that must be really hard on Richard’s husband,” Antonio says.

 

“Hey, you don’t think- Nah.”

 

“What?  Antonio asks, looking up from the copier.  “What is it?”

 

“Do you think it’s possible they’re having an affair?”

 

“Dude, no way.”  

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Dinesh says, stretching his arms. “Their relationship seems completely professional.”  Dinesh walks off as casually as he can.  Antonio goes back to trying to make a copy, but not before he see Jared and Richard through the glass walls of Richard’s office.  Richard is bent over his computer, concentrating.  Jared stands behind him, giving him a shoulder massage and whispering in his ear.

 

 _Huh,_ Antonio thinks.  “Hey, Sonam,” he calls out, “come look at this.”

 

When Dinesh really stops to think about it, he can’t pinpoint exactly _why_ he and Gilfoyle are doing this prank.  He’s not even sure what end result they’re hoping for here.  All Dinesh knows is that he likes fucking around, and he likes it better when he and Gilfoyle are on the same side.  He tries not to think about it too much.

 

Rumors spread, as they do, and eventually Richard and Jared start feeling the heat.  One morning, Soo-Hyun from front-end development passes in front of Richard’s office.

 

“Hey Soo-Hyun,” he calls out, “Come here.”

 

Soo-Hyun approaches.  “Yeah, Richard?”

 

“Could you give these papers to Jared?”

 

Soo-Hyun scoffs.  “Wouldn’t you rather give them to him yourself?” he asks, mockingly.

 

Richard furrows his brow.  “Well yeah, sure, but I’m swamped, and your desk is right next to his office, so I just figured… I mean, if you’re not headed to your desk, I can deliver them myself.”

 

Soo-Hyun snatches the papers from Richard.  “No, I can deliver them,” he proclaims.  “It’s probably better that way.”  Before Richard can ask what he means by that, Soo-Hyun turns on his heel and marches toward Jared’s office.  

 

Later, in Jared’s office, Sonam sits across the desk from Jared, defending the budget for her team’s next project.  Near the end of the meeting, she notices the picture on Jared’s desk.  It’s a picture of Jared and Richard at some formal event, their arms around each other.  Richard smiles brightly at the camera, but Jared’s eyes are fixed on Richard’s face.  Her blood boils.   _His poor husband,_ she thinks.  When the meeting is over, she stands up abruptly.  

 

“Thanks for coming in Sonam,” Jared says, rearranging some papers.  “I’ll definitely take all of this into consideration.”

 

“Sure,” she says.  As she stands in the doorway, she turns around and says “you know, you really should be more careful.” Then she leaves.

 

 _Oh gosh, she’s right_ , he thinks.  He unplugs his Bath and Body Works plug-in scent diffuser.   _This thing is probably a fire hazard._

 

Friday night finds Richard and Jared at their favorite little bistro on University Avenue.  Richard sips his Stella as Jared tells him about his day.

 

“I just don’t understand it,” Jared says, twirling his pasta.  “Everyone _loves_ when I bring in muffins, but for the past few weeks, they’ve gone untouched.  Do you think people are upset that I don’t make enough gluten-free options?”

 

“Babe, you do two types of gluten-free muffins and three types of regular muffins every week.  I think that’s more than enough options.  Do you want one of my tater tots?”

 

“Richard, no, that’s not necessary-”

 

“Oh, come on, you love tater tots, just take it-”

 

“Alright, fine, just one.”

 

Richard places a single tater tot in Jared’s mouth, giggling as Jared’s mouth closes around his fingers.  They both turn when they hear a gasp.  There stands Michelle, one of their back-end developers.  

 

“Oh, hey Michelle,” Richard says, blushing.  “How are you?  Are you here with your girlfriend?  Stephanie, right?”  

 

Michelle narrows her eyes.  “You should be ashamed of yourself,” she says, and then stalks off.

 

“What was that about?” Jared asks, eyes wide.  

 

“I’m not sure.”  Richard covers his mouth.  “Oh my God, I’m such an idiot.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s my beer.  I ordered a Stella Artois.  Her girlfriend works at Lagunitas Brewing Company.”

 

At this point, almost the entire office was under the impression that the CEO and CFO of Pied Piper were having a torrid affair.  There were a few notable exceptions: Richard and Jared (of course), Dinesh and Gilfoyle (obviously), Larry from sales, who was chronically out of the loop, and Galina from payroll, who had received an email from Jared saying that he and Richard were married so could she please put Richard on his insurance policy and set up Richard as the recipient of his life insurance policy, thank you so much, how did your sister’s surgery go?

 

(It went well, thanks for asking)

 

So you can imagine Galina’s surprise when one Thursday afternoon, Susie wheeled her chair over to Galina and whispered “Psssst.”

 

“Yes, Susie?”  Galina asks, turning away from her very important, time sensitive work.

 

“Did you hear?  Jared and Richard are having an affair!”

 

Galina feels her heart drop.  “Really?  With who?”

 

“With each other, silly,” Susie says, looking around furtively to make sure they are not overheard.  

 

“What?  That’s not possible, they’re-”  Galina stops.  Remembers Pied Piper’s strict confidentiality agreement.  Remembers she is not legally allowed to reveal any personal information about a Pied Piper employee that was shared with her in a professional context.  Remembers that she is not legally allowed to stab Susie’s fingers, which are currently rubbing against her philodendron, getting human oils all over the sensitive leaves.

 

“I know, I know, it seems totally out of character, right?”  Susie says, blissfully unaware of Galina’s eyes boring holes in the side of her head.  “Especially for Jared.  But it’s true, Mike saw them kissing in Jared’s car in the parking lot, and Jennifer saw them at Target picking out scarves together.”  She has now moved on to poking at the dirt in the philodendron planter.

 

“Buying scarves doesn’t mean they’re having an affair,” Galina says, with teeth clenched.

 

“Oh, Galina, you wouldn’t understand.  It’s, like, a thing in the gay community.”  Susie wipes her fingers on the edge of Galina’s desk.  “Anyway, I’ve got to get back to work, but you’re welcome for the gossip.”  Susie rolls away, knocking over the philodendron in the process.

 

As Galina scoops dirt back into the plastic pot, she realizes she has two choices here.  She could inform Jared that some people in the office seem to be under the impression that he and Richard are having an affair with each other, so he can address the rumor tactfully in a company-wide email, or she could say nothing, and hope this rumor blows up in the face of one of the people spreading it.  As she wipes dirt off her brand new Calvin Klein slacks, she makes her decision.

 

It’s been a pretty difficult month for Pied Piper’s coding team.  They’ve been working hard to get a new module released on time, but they did it, and it’s working even better than anyone expected.  Jared suggests that Richard invite the team over for dinner, to thank them for their hard work.  Richard’s not exactly big on dinner parties, but then Jared promises to make his meatball recipe, and then he sucks on Richard’s earlobe in _just_ the way Richard likes, and how can he say no?

 

“Hey guys, listen up,” Richard says to the coding team the next morning.  “You’ve done such a great job with this project, like, seriously, top notch work.  To celebrate our success, you’re all invited to a dinner party at my place on Saturday, 7pm.”

 

“Is your husband going to be there?” Greg asks.  

 

Richard blinks.  “Yeah, of course.  It was his idea.”  Richard wanders off toward the Keurig.  On the way, he runs into Dinesh and Gilfoyle, who are late as usual.  “Hey guys, you should come over for dinner this Saturday,” he says.  “Jared is making those meatballs.”

 

“While generally I deplore the Puritan nightmare that is the American dinner party, I do love Jared’s meatballs.  We’re in.”

 

“Hey, you can’t RSVP to dinners for me,” Dinesh says, affronted.  “What if I had other plans?”

 

“Did you have other plans?”

 

“I could have!”

 

“No, you couldn’t,” Gilfoyle says.  He walks to his desk, leaving Dinesh to gawp at him.

 

“Well, for the record, Richard, I will attend your dinner party,” Dinesh says, but Richard has already left.

 

“What do you think Richard’s husband is like?”  Antonio asks.  He and some of the other coders are sitting in the breakroom, quietly chatting.

 

“I don’t know, but I feel so bad for him,” Soo-Hyun says.

 

“Do you think he knows?”  Sonam asks.

 

“I mean, he has to at least suspect,” Greg says.  “They’re not exactly subtle.”

 

“Last weekend, I saw them on a date.  Like, in public.”  Michelle adds.

 

“Poor bastard.”  Soo-Hyun shakes his head.  

 

Dinesh and Gilfoyle are the first to arrive at the party.  They may be late for work every morning, but when meatballs are involved, they’re absurdly punctual.

 

“Dinesh! Gilfoyle!” Jared says brightly as he pulls open the front door.  He’s wearing floral oven mitts and a apron with a picture of a calculator that reads ‘There’s No Accounting For Taste!’  “Come in, come in.  Richard’s been trying all afternoon to set up those new speakers, maybe you can help him.”

 

“I don’t need help!” Richard calls.  “I’ve almost got it!”  He sits up as Dinesh and Gilfoyle enter the living room.  “Hey guys!  There’s beer in the kitchen, and Jared made appetizers.  You guys are the first ones here, but everyone else should be here soon.”

 

“Wait, everyone else?”  Dinesh asks.  “Who else is invited?”

 

“The engineering department,” Jared says, frowning.  “This party is to celebrate your hard work, didn’t Richard tell you?”

 

“Oh, I guess I didn’t,” Richard says, still focused on the speaker’s wires.  “Sorry about that.”

 

“Yeah, you should be sorry about that.  Half our coworkers are going to be here any second and we didn't even know!”  Dinesh says, the panic in his voice rising with every word.  As if on cue, the doorbell rings.

 

“Sweetheart, can you get that?”  Jared calls from the kitchen.  “I need to stir the meatballs.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Richard says, brushing his hands on his pants.  He walks toward the front door, leaving Dinesh and Gilfoyle alone in the living room.

 

“What are we gonna do, man?”  Dinesh whispers.

 

“I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I’m going to drink beer and eat meatballs.”

 

“I’m serious, as soon as those people walk through that door, the jig is up, Gilfoyle!  We’ll be found out!”

 

“So?”  Gilfoyle shrugs.  “We’ve been doing this bit for three weeks now.  That’s a good run as far as practical jokes go.”

 

Still, Dinesh feels like his heart has dropped out of his chest.  He’s not sure if it’s because he’s about to get caught, or if it’s because his little game with Gilfoyle is about to end.

 

“So this is the living room,” Richard says, as he leads Sonam, Michelle, and Antonio in.  

 

“Hey guys,” Dinesh says, his voice entirely too high-pitched.  “You guys get here together?”

 

“Yeah, we carpooled, I’m the designated driver,” Sonam says.  

 

“Well, if you want something to drink, we have beer and wine in the kitchen,” Richard says.  “And we’ll have music as soon as I get this stupid speaker set up.”

 

“I could go for a beer,” Michelle says.

 

“Good thing I got Lagunitas, huh?” Richard says.  He laughs awkwardly.

 

“I can get that for you!”  Dinesh says.  “I was going to the kitchen anyway.  Anyone else want anything? Anyone?”

 

The doorbell rings again.  “That must be Soo-Hyun and Greg,” Richard says, walking back to the front door.

 

Once he’s left, Antonio leans in conspiratorially.  “Call it schadenfreude, but I’m really excited to meet Richard’s husband.  I just feel so sorry for him.”

 

“I feel sorry for him too,” Gilfoyle says casually, “being married to Richard, and all.”

 

Richard, Soo-Hyun, and Greg enter from the foyer as Jared enters from the kitchen.  

 

“Hello!”  Jared says, wiping his hands on his apron.  “How is everyone?  I don’t know if Richard told you, but drinks are in the kitchen, as well as appetizers.  I made popovers!”

 

“Oh,” Greg says, clearly surprised, “I didn’t realize you had invited Jared.”

 

“I didn’t invite Jared,” Richard says, “he’s my husband, he lives here.  Can I take your coat?”

 

“He what?”  Michelle exclaims.

 

“We’re married,” Jared repeats.  “Michelle, you knew that.  You saw us on a date last weekend.”

 

“Yeah, but I thought, I mean-”

 

“We thought you two were having an affair with each other.” Soo-Hyun interrupts.

 

“What?”  Jared and Richard say together.

 

“Yeah, Gilfoyle told me you were hooking up in secret.” Sonam says.

 

“Dinesh told me that too,” Antonio adds.  

 

“What?”  Richard says.  “Gilfoyle, how could you?”

 

Gilfoyle shrugs.  “I apologize for nothing.”

 

Jared looks around.  “Where is Dinesh?”

 

“Probably hiding from you upstairs,” Gilfoyle says.  “I’ll go find him.  Don’t eat all the meatballs without me.”  Gilfoyle trudges up the stairs, leaving everyone else to stand around awkwardly.  

 

“So should I open up a bottle of wine?” Jared asks, twisting the end of his apron.

 

The dinner party goes shockingly well, all things considered.  They end up in the kitchen, laughing over the whole thing.

 

“Wait, so you thought I had a picture of the man I was having an affair with on my desk at work?”  Jared asks, laughing.  “I can understand why you were so upset!”

 

“Hey, has anyone seen Dinesh and Gilfoyle?”  Greg asks, pouring another glass of wine.  “I don’t think they ever came back downstairs.”

 

“I’ll go check on them,” Richard says, wobbling towards the stairs.

 

“So what’s it like working with your husband?”  Michelle asks, sipping her beer.

 

“Oh, it’s wonderful,” Jared says, a dreamy expression plastered across his face.  “We get to support each other in every aspect of our lives.  And sometimes I think to myself, ‘If I don’t see Richard right now, I’ll burst,’ and then I can just walk to his office and go see him.”

 

“That’s so romantic,” Sonam gushes.  “I wish I had a husband at work.”

 

“I’m single,” Antonio says, nudging Sonam with his shoulder.

 

“Shut up,” she says, punching him.  

 

“Um, guys?” Richard stands at the bottom of the stairwell, nose scrunched up .

 

“What is it, babe?” Jared asks.

 

“Dinesh and Gilfoyle are making out on our bedroom floor.”

 

Jared gasps.  “Not on the bird-”

 

“The bird rug we just bought at Anthropologie, yes,” Richard finishes.

 

“Oh, well, at least it’s being used in the service of love.”  Sonam puts a supportive hand on Jared’s shoulder.

 

“Well what did you say to them?”  Michelle asks.

 

“Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t think to say anything to them, I just sort of left,” Richard says. His eyes go wide as he pulls on his bottom lip with his teeth.  “That was probably pretty dumb, huh?”

 

“I think it was pretty brilliant,” Soo-Hyun says.  “More meatballs for us!”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Here is Jared's rug: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/aves-rug?category=rugs&color=049
> 
> find me at ladiesloveduranduran on tumblr if you want to talk about Silicon Valley, Catcher in the Rye, or which Collegehumor writer you most want to fuck.


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